Today is the day

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

Today I will smile

Today I will honor my family

Today I will become stronger

Today I will become smarter

Today I will become wiser

Today I will become happier

Today I will walk with pride

Today I will be a better Father

A better lover
A better son

A better man

Today I will stop living in the past
Today I will live for the future

Today I will be a better me

a big day

I can not believe it.  Today, my little girl finishes second grade and my little men graduate home preschool. It is amazing to me how fast my children have grown.  It seems just like last week I brought my beautiful daughter home,

and the week after that my amazing son.

 Damion was added to my immediate family later,but I remember when he came home too. 

The fact that they will all be in school next year blows my mind.  Not a day goes by that I do not question how I raise them.  I question every aspect of my parenting, hoping that I am doing it in the best interest of them.  To make them better than me, because isn't that what we all want as parents?  To have our children succeed beyond our expectations?  At least in my world...yes.

     After this summer, all of my kids will be in School.  That is a HUGE step.  As babies, they are tough.  But I can not even imagine the difficulty that will ensue when they all are pursuing their different passions (and Damn are they different) and needing to keep track of who's practice is tonight, the recital tomorrow and when the next science project is due.  I will relish in it, but hate it at the same time.  I think my time is tight now...wait until they get older.  All so different, yet all so close.  Each one driving the other to be better (even if it IS in a competitive way).
     I can not wait for it.  My children pushing themselves means I get pushed with them.  As long as I keep doing what I am doing, I hope that they continue trying to impress me and my voice is always there, influencing their every decision.  I hope I am doing it right and they grow more to love me than hate me.  I hope that they can see, before they are in their twenties, that I have nothing but their best interests at heart and only want them to be a better human than I ever was.

     So here is to my children.  The most frustrating, amazing, complicated, and awe inspiring thing about me.  Without whom I would be half the man I am today.  So not only congratulations to you for your great achievements in your young lives, but thank you for pushing me to become a better human that I hope one day you learn from and surpass.  I love you all with every fiber of my being and I can not WAIT to see what the future brings for each of you!

Right does not always mean easy.

     Life is not easy.  No one ever tried to tell me otherwise.  But there come those times in life that are more difficult then others.  Then there are those more difficult times that someone close to you is involved.  When this happens the situation is compounded greatly.  I currently find myself in this type of situation...with kids in the middle of it all.
     Usually there are two murky paths that lay before you, not knowing where each path will end up.  The destination of each path is so far beyond the horizon, it can not be seen.  You have to make your best educated/gut instinct and follow the path you feel best with.  Hoping that the destination is what you envisioned.  My dilemma has gradually made my choice easier. The paths that were before me where becoming more and more clear.  So clear that I know the path that I need to take.
     So why Can't I?  I know it is the right thing to do.  I know that it will be best for all parties involved.  It would put me more in a situation to succeed and move on happily with my life instead of sitting in this muck.  Not that my life is terrible, but seems to be a never ending stream of Shit happens just when things start to improve. I think I am on the ladder, climbing out of the crap and then I slip and fall in the muck.  I recently realized its not a ladder, it is a wheel.  there is no up, only around and around.  I need to get off this stupid ride and find the ladder that was meant for me.  But to do that means a road that will not be easy.
     Maybe that is my issue.  Up until now, there have been very few things I have fought for.  I don't like to fight.  It usually means hurting someone, and that is VERY low on my "Things to Do" list.  Very few things I have taken the hard road to get.  I have not really needed to.  I work hard and live my life my way.  Im what you call a roll with the punches kind of guy.  Not that my path has been easy...but rarely have I fought upstream.  Apparently this is the world telling me to start now. Get off the damn squeaky wheel and search for that ladder.

 

One Day

One Day

By: Josh Krogman

One day the world will awaken from its blinding slumber to see a new vision

Not the nightmare we wallow in today

One day people will look upon others for their spirit and love

not their money or color

One day people will accept and respect views that differ from their own

not kill over thoughts or religion

One day people will look upon this planet for its beauty and wonder

Not profit and development

One day the animal kingdom will have clean and safe homes to reside in

Not water, skies fand land filled with poisons

One day food from mother earth will belong to all its inhabitants

not just the privileged and rich

One day sharing of all goods you have to offer will come second nature

not just a thought trapped in your head

One day it is my hope to see the world free of all of its vices

and if people are always trying to make a difference

it will happen.

One day

The Bug has struck

     Lately, I have had this deep seeded itch spring forth (again) that can only be scratched by writing.  I am not sure if it is Spring, or things have been bottled up to long, or what the reason for it is.  It doesn't really matter, I just know that I have to do something about it.  Issue is...What do I write about?  Where do I start?  do I write Fiction? Non-Fiction? When will I have time?  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!  My guess is that I will just have to poke around in my head and see what spews out.  I may have a few posts of just blathering on like an idiot until something hits me but I am going to try and find time at LEAST once a week to sit and do some form of writing. Who knows.  Let's hope that this is the start of something wonderful.

Kids

    As life goes on, we are all faced with trials and tribulations.  Some more difficult than others.  Recently I have found myself in the middle of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. All of my past struggles do not add up to those of today.  The main reason for these hard times is because my children are caught in the middle.
   
 There are nights, like tonight, where the levity of the whole situation weighs very heavy on my shoulders.  I feel like I may crumble at any given moment.  but then I see those beautiful children that I have created, and I KNOW I have to stay strong and stay on course.  I do not have any other choice.  It is funny, I have several friends who do not have kids, and they are always saying to me "I don't know how you do it."  I can only say one thing to that, and it is the same response each time..."Because I do not have an option.  Everything is for them."  I know they will understand completely when they have children of their own.
   
 After my wife left me, I had some dark days.  I worked harder on that one thing than anything else in my life, and yet I still failed. I felt like the lowest human ever.  I soon got away for the weekend, and I realized that it was not about her anymore.  It was about my happiness and my kids.  Without their happiness, I could not be happy, and also the other way around.  So over the past (almost) three years of having them, living life like a single dad, I have strived to do everything to protect them and to keep that smile on their face.

     So I guess this is a thank you to my kids.  For giving me the strength, without you, I would not have.  You are my little angel and monkey, and I hope you know how much your daddy loves you.

Me being Me.

     Recently, I watched the Jonah Mowry video and it got me thinking.  This world has, for as long as I can remember, tried to define what we should eat, what we should wear, and how we should think to name a few.  "If you don't wear these shoes, you should be embarrassed."  Because...You know...those shoes make you a better person...WTF???
     Over the last few years I have gone over some serious transitions in my life.  These made me take a step back and take a good hard look at not only who I am but how I live my life.  What I discovered was I was doing it all wrong. I used to hide my true self from people.  Outside my closest friends, No one knew the real me.  I lived my life in fear that I would be labeled "different" and ridiculed for the things I enjoy.  In order to just "fit in" I would go so far as to say I had seen movies I had never seen.  Why?  because I felt ashamed to not fit in...Thanks Society.
     So, I made some life altering changes.  They were not easy.  Hell I still am working on them.  But in my transformations I have taken on a new mentality: "If you don't like me for me, then that sucks for you because Im pretty damn awesome". It comes off a bit harsh at first.  But think about it.  Why is it harsh?  I think its the "world" telling you that.  Thats bogus.  Its just me being proud of me!  Imagine that.  To be the true me, I do not need to wear the latest trend, I do not need the latest gadget (though I DO love me some gadgets), and I sure as hell do not need to be Rich.  I am who I am and I am DAMN proud of that person.I guess I finally realized I can never be the person that "they" think I should be and I am quit alright with that.  Hell, I am better than quite alright...I am elated.  And do you know what?  Those other people in my life are elated by it too.
     I may be young (relatively lol), but I have seen my fill of good times along with the bad.  I know that there are many way worse off than I have ever been, as well as those more privileged than I can dream of...but I have lived and learned a lot in the short time.  If I had to answer the question of the ages, "Why are we here?"  I would have to answer that with "To be yourself". We can never do more than that. Nor can we ever do less.
     So I say to Jonah and all those others out there like him, whether you are gay, straight, bi, black white, or Whatever...Be PROUD of who you are.  Do NOT let others shame you into something you are not.  Is it easy?  No.  Hell I'm a straight white male and I found it hard.  I can not imagine the difficulties a gay teen faces.  I am sad that he must.  But you all are strong.  I have seen the human spirit and it can wow and amaze at the drop of a hat. So take that bold step, take the power away from whoever "they" are in your life and say "This is who I am.  Accept it.  I will not change, because I am not just happy, but proud to be me."
     Be who you are.  Be happy with what you have.  It can always be worse.  Gay, straight, old, or young, do not concern yourselves with what others think of you.  They do not matter.  What really matters is what you think of yourself.  THAT is where true strength comes from and when you find that strength, you will gain many friends.  With those two things, there is nothing you can not do!